. : : Urban Reality : : .

It is like this, hmmm…honestly speaking (always use words: Frankly, Honestly, Actually, when you want to say something serious in Malaysia), there is not much corruption in Malaysia (someone please agree!). There are always some uncles talking cock at the coffee shop (go listen now), they can tell you tips of ‘How to become rich?’ in Malaysia. Usually the methods are similar, you need to be friends with a Datuk (status equivalent to Sir Alex Furguson but a Datuk in Malaysia can be purchased at the market price RM150,000.00, with some speculating that it could go as low as RM20,000!), then either you buy a Mercedes-Benz for your Datuk for him to get projects for you, or you ’share share’ the money 50-50, 60-40, 64-36 later.

Frankly, the situation is not that bad; not all Datuks are involved in ‘projects’, some of them (the whole family) need no projects to live a life of luxury in Europe, Australia, NZ, etc. These kinds of Datuks, actually, frankly, honestly, are not that uncommon. Honestly, with so much blatant corruption, it is stupid to be a Malaysian and not take advantage of the situation to get leverage financially in order to get laid by hot chicks who will only date you if you drive a car bigger than her boobs.

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• What’s worse is the police are most probably never going to get around to justice because they only believe in corruption and collecting “kopi-o money” which is basically a sum from RM50-RM3000 that will get you off any offense, even murder!

• Aiyoh guys, why y’all want to work? What for, work so hard? Frankly speaking, to become rich in Malaysia, you should try and spend your time looking for a Datuk, and then you tell him (mostly him, har!) that you want the project ‘Keep Kepong Clean Campaign’ or ‘Keep Our Rivers Clean Campaign’, ‘ETC ETC Campaign’, make sure it costs 80 million. 10% goes to actual work, 35 million to the Datuk, the rest you keep. Remember, quickly buy property in Australia, and get your PR there.

• Important: Make sure the ‘Keep Clean Campaign’ fails- deliberately fails-so that you can always have more campaigns and more opportunities.

• Hottest Job: Custom officer (please apply now).

• Play Golf: You can meet a lot of rich Datuks, ministers and businessmen in the golf course. Don’t waste time playing other type of sports especially football, sepaktakraw, swimming, etc. Datuks are fat, they only play golf. So if you don’t play golf, sorry lah, you have no future.